Retaliate
by greengirl82
Summary: Nobody ever said it'd be easy to prank a pranker... Five shot on pranks. Completed.
1. One Angry Emily

**Retaliate**

Disclaimer: CBS owns Criminal Minds, not me.

Summary: After Emily becomes the victim of a prank, she vows revenge on the pranker. What will happen?

A/N: So this was originally a series of oneshots, but since there are in fact a few prank stories I've done, I re-edited them and will be posting them as a three shot.

Thanks for reading, don't forget to leave a review.

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><p>Albert Camus said "Retaliation is related to nature and instinct, not to law. Law, by definition, cannot obey the same rules as nature."<p>

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><p>Emily stormed out of the bullpen, cheeks flushed with rage running through her veins.<p>

Quickly flashing back to her walking out of JJ's office with her case file as she walked over to her desk, she sat down only to feel her chair wet.

Shifting around to look only to feel her chair fall apart and fall flat on her ass in the middle of the bullpen.

She saw the shocked and amused faces of fellow agents stare at her, and she quickly got up only to notice that the back of her pants where wet.

Grabbing her go bag she stormed down to the locker room with a change of clothes.

A voice in the break room caught her attention.

"I loved it." Hotch said laughing "That was hands down the best prank I've ever seen."

Emily paused, staring at the door in shock and anger, 'Hotch?'

"And it really worked?" Dave asked.

"Mm hmm" Hotch said "The back of the pants were totally wet. Looked like piss was on the back of the pants."

Emily grimaced, remembering how many people had looked at her as she rushed to the locker room.

_'Oh, Agent Hotchner'_ Emily thought darkly as she glared at the door_ 'This means war.'_

Emily went down to the supply closet and got a new chair, relieved that her old one was removed while she had changed. A smirk graced her face as she sat in her new chair, forming a plot to punish the man she had a crush on.

Emily looked over to see Morgan frown at her, "What?" Emily asked.

"You look..." Morgan said eyeing her oddly "Off."

"What do you mean, off?" Emily asked suspiciously.

Shaking his head, "Never mind."

Emily looked up to see Hotch go up to his office. Grabbing her case files, she went up to his office with the lie in her head rehearsed.

"Come in" Hotch said smirking when he saw her enter "Yes?"

"Here are my finished files." Emily said placing them on his desk "I'm going to go take my lunch break now."

"Ok" Hotch replied shaking his head as he watched her rush out of the bullpen at full speed.

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><p>"He he" Emily chuckled lightly as she used the to unlock Hotch's apartment door, rushing to the alarm she typed in Jack's birthdate disarming the alarm.<p>

_'Should've never given me a key, bastard.'_ Emily thought as she wandered through the apartment heading towards his bedroom.

Opening the drawers, she pulled the items with a smirk on her face throwing them in the bag.

Walking over to his bathroom, and opened up the door and headed to the shampoos, picking up the regular scented shampoos she switched it with the fruity flavors.

Hearing the front door unlock, Emily dove under the bed and hid, looking at black shoes of her boss she winced.

'_Crap'_ Emily thought and heard him head for the bathroom, she crawled out from under the bed and raced for the door glad that she sill had the bag with her.

The next morning, Emily heard Hotch's standard issued black shoes click across the floor and turned to see the pissed off look on his face.

_'Ha'_ Emily thought smirking on the inside as he marched up the catwalk towards his office slamming the door shut.

"Wow" Morgan said from his desk "He is pissed."

"Mm hmm" Emily commented looking over at him "I noticed."

"Wonder what has his panties in a wad." Morgan said shaking his head.

Emily laughed at his words causing him to shake his head at the oddity, "I'm going to go get my coffee."

Emily wandered into the break room, pouring her coffee while trying to control her laughter.

"What's so funny, gumdrop?" Garcia asked grabbing a coffee mug.

"Oh, just a little prank." Emily said handing over the coffee pot to Garcia.

"Oh, you've forgiven him?" Garcia asked looking at Emily's confused face "What?"

"You knew?" Emily asked "About my chair?"

"No it's not like he told me or anything, I walked in on them talking about it." Garcia said seeing the look in her eyes.

"You could've warned me" Emily muttered, "My butt has a big bruise on it from falling out of that damn chair."

"Fall out of your chair?" Garcia asked "What does that have to do with wet pants?"

"Hotch screwed with my chair and it fell apart." Emily said.

"Hotch?" Garcia repeated "No I'm talking about Morgan. Morgan messed with your chair?"

"I heard Hotch talking about it." Emily said.

"Look" Garcia said "I walked into the break room, Hotch, Dave and Morgan were in there talking about Dave's early BAU days and the pranks they used to do. Then Morgan asked if Hotch had any old pranks he did, Hotch told them about the chair incident and the spilled water thing."

"Morgan did this?" Emily asked "Why the hell am I not surprised?"

"Because it's Morgan" Garcia said then frowned "Did you do something to Hotch?"

Garcia saw Emily walk in defeat and embarrassment through the bullpen up to Hotch's office grabbing the bag.

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><p>The brunette begrugingly knocked on his office door, hearing a gruff "Come in."<p>

"Hotch?" Emily called out holding the bag tight "Can I talk to you?"

"About?" Hotch asked.

"Why you're so pissed off." Emily said "I know why. Here."

Emily placed the bag on his desk, he opened it, eyes wide in shock, "You stole all my underwear?" he asked.

"Yeah, sorry." Emily said apologetically "But to be honest it really wasn't all my fault."

Hotch narrowed his eyes at her causing her to bite her lip, "Morgan." she replied.

Hotch's eyes scanned the bullpen, "What about him?"

"He played this practical joke on me, and I thought it was you." Emily said "I overheard you telling Dave about some prank from back in the day. And well my chair did fall apart."

"Morgan" Hotch gritted out as he took the bag and placed it by his desk "God, well are you ok?"

"My ass will live." Emily said "But I can't believe I thought it was you who made me all wet."

Hotch smirked at her words, while she winced, "Crap, you know what I mean."

"Mm hmm" Hotch snorted.

"Get your mind out of the gutter." Emily said "I need to get him back for this."

Hotch watched her pace his office and look into the bullpen, "Slash his tires?"

"No." Hotch said "Give him all your paper work to do?"

Shaking her head, "He'll just glom it off on Reid."

Emily turned around with a smirk on her face, "I got it!"

"What?" Hotch asked watching her walk out of his office leaving him perplexed and intrigued.

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><p>Emily watched as Reid left for the night, and turned to see Morgan working on his paper work. A quick glance up she saw Hotch watching her, giving him a nod she walked over to Morgan.<p>

"Hey" Emily said leaning in voice husky with a touch of sultry "You almost done there?"

Morgan froze up when she touched his shoulder, making him look up at her.

"Almost" Morgan whispered.

"Need a hand?" Emily asked raising a eyebrow "It looks hard."

The color drained from Morgan's face as she leaned in, "You seem flushed, are you ok?"

"Fine" Morgan croaked out.

Emily leaned in her lips millimeters from his face, "Hold still."

Emily touched his cheek in a caressing touch, then pulled back, "Got it."

"Huh?" Morgan asked squirming under her touch "What?"

Lifting a finger up, "Want me to blow it?"

"What?" Morgan said shocked.

"The eyelash" Emily said putting confusion on her face, "What's wrong with you?"

"I don't know." Morgan said "Oh look. I'm finished."

Looking at his crotch "You sure are." Emily said "Night."

Morgan grabbed the files raced out leaving the bullpen like a bolt of lightning.

Hotch came out of his office, smirking and clapping "Bravo, I am impressed."

"Thank you, thank you" Emily turned curtsying "I'm here all week."

Wandering down to her, "You know I got to say, I never give you enough credit."

"Huh?" Emily said.

"You manage to work Morgan up and scare the crap out of him but you never realized something" Hotch said walking to her.

"What?" Emily asked.

Hotch grabbed her kissing her, "You got me worked up too." Pulling her in for another kiss his tongue dominating her.

As he pulled back he looked at her, to which she replied, "I won't run, I'm not Morgan."

"Good to hear, because I don't want to kiss him" Hotch said leading her up to his office "And don't go stealing my underwear unless you plan to handle my problem."

Emily smirked as she closed his office door, "Oh I plan to... Now drop those pants."

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><p>"It's all fun and games until one of you gets my foot up your ass." Author Unknown<p>

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><p><strong>To Be Continued...<strong>

See this review button? He got lost and is trying to find his way home...


	2. Emily's Revenge

**Retaliate**

Disclaimer: CBS owns Criminal Minds, not me. **Sighs** Maybe if I change my name to CBS than that means I own it, right?

Summary: Hotch pulls a prank on Emily that upsets her so much that she retaliates with a prank of her own.

A/N: Yes, this is another one that I super duper love, and I realize how many prank stories I have so I'll be putting them in a multi-chapter fic.

Thanks for reading, don't forget to leave a review.

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><p>Winston Churchill said "A joke is a very serious thing."<p>

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><p>Hotch ran from his office into the bullpen and all the way down the hall of the BAU to the men's bathroom.<p>

Dave walked out of his office to see Reid and Dave lift their heads up and see the flash of blur that was their Unit Chief.

All three men turn their heads up to Hotch's office to see a very pissed off Emily drenched in water, soaked to the bone storm out of Hotch's office.

"Aaron Hotchner!" Emily shouted causing everyone to look at her "You're a dead man!"

Emily noticed everyone looking at her and said "What are you all looking at?"

Every single person went back to what they were doing not wanting to incur the wrath of one angry Emily.

Dave watched as the soaking wet Emily marched down the steps and up to him.

"Where the hell is that coward you call a friend?" Emily demanded.

Dave could only point in the direction of the men's room.

Emily walked out of the bullpen and muttered "Payback is a bitch."

When Emily returned less than 10 minutes later in clean clothes and walks up to Hotch's office and plants the evidence she'll need.

Emily walks over to the men's bathroom and knocked on it.

"Hotch?" Emily said faking a calm non-angry voice "I'm not mad anymore. You can come out now."

"I don't believe you." Hotch said warily "You're still mad."

"No, I forgive you." Emily said "I even got a surprise for you."

Emily smirked thinking of her surprises she had in store.

"I don't trust you Emily." Hotch said not opening the door.

Emily sighed and opened the belt on her coat.

"Open the door and peek at one of your surprises." Emily said in a sultry voice.

That caused Hotch's ears to perk up _'Does she want me?'_

Hotch unlocked the door and opened it a tiny bit and saw Emily in a white coat flashing him sexy lingerie.

"See anything you like?" Emily said in a sexy voice.

Hotch went to grab her arm to pull her into the bathroom when she said "Not here, in your office."

Hotch nodded like a zombie and closed her coat, grabbing her arm and heading to his office.

_'Easier than I thought.'_ Emily smirked at that.

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><p>Walking into his office, he locks the door and rips the coat off of her kissing her.<p>

Emily walks him over to his couch and rips his jacket suit off him, ripping off his buttons to his white shirt.

"Oh god," Hotch said as she kisses his neck "I've wanted this for so long."

Emily smirks at that as she leaves a big hickey on his neck.

Hotch goes to remove his belt, when Emily spots the light on her cellphone in her coat light up.

_'It's showtime'_ Emily thought grabbing the handcuffs.

"Whoa, wait a minute there..." Hotch said seeing the handcuffs, "I'm not so sure about that."

"What?" Emily said "I'd thought someone like you wouldn't mind a little fun. But if you're too chicken..."

The brunette moved to get off of his lap, but Hotch grabbed her and put her back to straddle him.

"I guess it's ok" he told her, giving her a grin,

Emily leaned down kissing his nose "Good boy."

While still kissing Emily linked the handcuffed to the bookcase having Hotch's hands raised above him.

Hotch looked at Emily "Oh God I want you."

Emily smirked at that and said "Since you're all tied up, I think I'm going to have to undress you myself."

Hotch smirked at that and said "I think you just might have to."

Emily unbuckled Hotch's belt and threw it on the floor, she went for his shoes next.

"Wow, big feet." Emily said looking at him sultry "Wonder if what they say about big feet is true."

Hotch chuckled at that and said "Why don't you find out?"

Emily removed the shoes and put them on next to his coat suit and shirt.

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><p>"And now, how about the pants?" Hotch asked, looking at her with complete and total lust.<p>

"Patient my pet" Emily said biting his bottom lip and kissing it.

Emily lowered Hotch's pants, whispering in his ear"Close your eyes."

Hotch sighed and closed his eyes as Emily while removing his pants trailed kisses down his chest.

Emily could hear the sighs of pleasure escape his lips and she removed his pants.

Emily said "No peeking, or you'll get punished."

Hotch nodded and had a smile on his face.

Emily took Hotch's pants placing them next to the rest of his clothes, she put her coat back on and went over to Hotch and kissed him on the lips.

"See later, sucker." Emily whispered in his ear.

Emily watched his eyes open in shock.

"Emily?" Hotch said in pain and surprise.

Emily waved the handcuff keys as she went over picking up his clothes.

"What are you doing?" Hotch asked.

"Payback is a bitch." Emily smirked.

"You can't just take my clothes and leave me like this." Hotch said getting angry.

"Well, you started this by getting me wet..." Emily said then winced at her words "That didn't come out right."

"Emily..." Hotch said warningly "Give me back my clothes."

"Hey, you're lucky I'm letting you keep your underwear, seems JJ and Garcia thought you didn't deserve that much." Emily said cheeky.

Hotch struggled against the handcuffs and said "Give me the damn key."

Walking over to Hotch's desk she picked up and tossed over his cellphone to him, "Here's another favor for you."

He stared at her in stunned shock, as the brunette pulled out a thumb tack placing it in his wall placing the handcuff keys on it.

She turned around giving him a glare "You're lucky I don't hold a grudge or your naked butt would wind up on the internet."

Gathering up his clothes, she opened the office door and spun around "See you later Hot Stuff."

She slammed the door behind her grinning, _'That'll teach ya.'_

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><p>Hotch let out a stream of cuss words and got the cellphone and dialed Dave.<p>

Dave knocked on the door "Aaron?"

"In here." Hotch said.

Dave opened the door and saw Hotch after laughing he said "I told you not to mess with Emily."

Hotch huffed out a sigh and said "A little help here?"

Dave looked like he was contemplating it and then said "If I have to."

"Where are the keys?" Dave asked.

"Hanging on that wall." Hotch said "Hurry my hands are going numb."

Dave uncuffed Hotch and said "That's the extent of my help, I don't want to end up on her list."

Dave watched Hotch go for a change of clothes in his go-bag.

"So, what are you going to do now?" Dave asked almost afraid to ask.

"She left me high and dry handcuffed in my office." Hotch said dressing "What do you think I'm going to do?"

"Marry her." Dave said "She's still alot saner than any of my three ex wives."

Hotch gave Dave a look "Yeah well you're current wife told her it would been better if she left me in here all the way nude."

Dave doubled over laughing "That's my Jen."

Hotch gave him a glare and said "So not the point."

"Well what the hell did you do to piss her off?" Dave asked.

"Threw water over her hair and clothes." Hotch said not looking at him.

"You threw water on Emily?" Dave asked shocked "Why?"

"Because I didn't want to hear about her going on her date." Hotch said annoyed. "Doesn't mean I deserved this."

"You do know that she went and wore her new outfit and had her hair done while at lunch right?" Dave said.

Hotch shook his head than said "Alright I did know."

"That date she was talking about?" Dave said "Was as a favor for a children's hospital. Her mother ordered her to bring a date, and the date she really wanted, she was afraid he'd turn her down."

"Who'd be stupid to turn her down?" Hotch said putting his coat on ready to go after her.

"You" Dave said leaving Hotch's office "Idiot."

Hotch felt like an idiot and he still was angry from her little tease head over to her apartment, when he saw she was no where in the BAU.

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><p>Emily fell back against her apartment door, laughing the bag of clothes still in her hands.<p>

_'Serves him right'_ Emily thought looking at his clothes in her hand.

Emily dropped the clothes into a plastic bag vowing to return them tomorrow.

Emily thought back on the look on his face when she surprised him earlier at the men's bathroom.

_'So he does like me, like that'_ Emily thought _'Hmm...'_

Walking with her own ruined clothes Emily headed upstairs to change into some sweat pants and tank top.

After dropping the sexy lingerie on the floor she heard her front door being pounded on.

Emily looked over at the clock 'Wow, guess he must of got freed quickly.'

Opening the front door Emily was greeted by Hotch's lips.

After pulling away from Hotch, Emily said "What the hell was that for?"

"Just picking up where you left off." Hotch said "In my office."

"So..." Emily said "You here to prank me back?"

Hotch shook his head and said "Dave told me that date was a social obligation to your mother."

"So that's why you threw water on me?" Emily asked suspiciously.

"Well that and I wanted to see you wet." Hotch said smirking when she raised her eyebrow.

"And I take it that you meant that the way you said it." Emily said.

Hotch smirked and said "No more pranks."

"No more pranks." Emily agreed and said "So..."

"So..." Hotch repeated and grabbed her and said "How about that sexy lingerie?"

Emily chuckled and led Hotch to her bedroom.

Emily kissed him throwing him on her bed and getting on him.

"I got a surprise for you." Emily whispered licking Hotch's neck.

"No handcuffs." Hotch ordered.

"No, baby no handcuffs." Emily said kissing him "Just wanted to tell you, I'm yours."

Hotch smiled at that and flipped them so he was on top of her.

"I'm yours too." Hotch said kissing her.

"So Jen." Dave said "What did you do?"

"Helped Emily bag her man." JJ said "Oh and let her borrow the black lingerie that drives you crazy."

"She wore that in front of Hotch?" Dave asked shocked "No wonder he got out of here like a bat out of hell."

JJ sighed and said "The things we do for our friends."

"Yep." Dave said smiling down at his blonde cohort.

"So, you got those handcuffs right?" JJ said smiling up at him mischievously.

Dave chuckled and said "No, babe. I don't think my heart could take it."

JJ laughed and said "Spoil sport."

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><p>Robert Frost said "Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and I'll forgive Thy great big joke on me."<p>

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><p><strong>To Be Continued... <strong>  
>Another oneshot, not set in this reality will be up soon.<p>

Leave a review.


	3. Hotch vs Emily

**Retaliate **

Disclaimer: Wish I could say that Criminal Minds was mine but it's not, its CBS.

Summary: Hotch and Emily prank each other back and forth with the help of Morgan and Garcia.

A/N: Sorry it took a while to put up a new one in the Retaliate series, so here it goes... Enjoy.

Thanks for reading, don't forget to leave a review.

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><p>George Eliot said, "A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections."<p>

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><p>Hotch walked into the bullpen from his meeting with Strauss, deep in thought from the little prank war that had been going on between Emily and himself.<p>

Hotch felt himself being tapped on the shoulder and saw Morgan nod his head towards the break room.

Following behind the dark agent, Hotch saw Emily and Garcia in deep conversation, both men listening but out of their line of sight.

"So you're sure this will work?" Emily asked her blonde friend, looking at the object in her hand.

"Trust me, Gumdrop" Garcia said taking the object placing it in her bag "I know a thing or two about successful pranks."

"Ok" Emily said "So it's done?"

"Yes-a-toodily" Garcia said grinning "It was done while he was out."

Both men see Emily look at her watch "Time to get back to work. He'll be out of the meeting soon."

Garcia giggled "Can't wait to hear his reaction to the prank."

"Don't want to be a fly on that wall" Emily added both women getting up to vacate the break room.

Hotch and Morgan went around the corner and hid from their sight, watching both women go to their assigned areas.

"What's the latest prank they pulled this time?" Hotch asked his team member.

"I have no clue" Morgan said "But it's obvious that it's directed to something in your office."

"Well I've got to come up with a better one" Hotch thought tapping his chin "You got anything?"

Morgan looked deep in thought than smirked "Oh I got a great one."

Hotch leaned in and smirked at that "You'll help me with that?"

"Sure" Morgan said "But you'll have to get her out of the bullpen."

"That shouldn't be a problem," Hotch told the younger man, "Strauss wanted to speak to her about her a old case file."

"Ok" Morgan said "I'll get it ready once she's gone."

Hotch and Morgan separated walking towards the bullpen, both deep in thought.

"Prentiss" Hotch said walking pass her "My office please."

Emily looked up, eyes glancing at his office then said, "Yes, sir."

Emily followed Hotch into his office, taking a seat in the visitors' chair, waiting for it.

Hotch sat down in his chair and looked at her, face masking his emotion, his mind profiling her demeanor.

"Strauss wants to speak to you" Hotch told her watching her eyes flicker for a moment and felt bad about that "Just a standard issue regarding an old case file."

Biting her lip, Emily nodded,"Ok."

Hotch added "Can you take the Lewis file to her? It'll save me a trip."

"Sure thing" Emily said getting up waiting for the file.

Hotch leaned down putting his hand on the handle of desk pulling on it. Emily smirked watching him pull harder on it to no avail.

Emily held back the chuckle she wanted to let out, and said, "Problem sir?"

Hotch heard the teasing in her voice quickly looking up, his eyes narrowing "Another prank?"

Emily shrugged her shoulder as he pulled harder on the drawer when the drawer finally opened all the contents fell directly on the floor. Hotch noticed the drawer was in upside down.

Hotch looked back up at his brunette agent who's only facial expression was a twinkle in her eye.

"Damn it, Prentiss." Hotch groaned out.

"Look inside at the hole inside the desk." Emily said.

Hotch leaned over, looking inside his desk drawer's hole and saw the Lewis file taped to the roof of the drawer.

"Sneaky." Hotch said "You know I will get you for that."

"Sure" Emily said mockingly taking the file from him, heading out the door "You keep telling yourself that."

Hotch shook his head and a small smirk graced his lips _'Oh it's on.'_

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><p>Emily walked back from her meeting with Strauss and felt like dipping herself to acid.<p>

She saw that Reid and Morgan were busy working away on their case files and briefly saw Dave up in Hotch's office talking.

"Hey Princess" Morgan said taking in the brunette's return "How was the meeting with Ice Queen?"

"I don't know" Emily said sitting at her desk "I'll let you know when my brain starts functioning again."

Morgan chuckled, looking at her as the phone on her desk started ringing.

"Probably the Ice Queen herself" Emily muttered going for the phone.

When Emily touched the phone she felt it. That sticky slime of goo that made her recoil as she felt the wetness on her hand.

"What the hell?" Emily called trying to put the phone down only to see it stick to her hand "Hey!"

Dave and Hotch's head peered down at the commotion in the bullpen, while JJ came out of her office.

"What?" JJ asked coming over towards her.

"What the..." Dave said walking down the catwalk behind a smirking Hotch.

"You!" Emily accused the team leader "You put super glue on my phone."

Hotch shrugged his shoulder watching the angry brunette try and throw the phone at him only to see her fingers wrapped around it.

"You suck." JJ said turning her attention to her dark haired male friend.

"She started it." Hotch protested.

"What are you five?" JJ asked "Hers didn't include body parts."

Dave turned his attention from his angry daughter figure trying to pry the phone out of her hand to his longtime friend grinning like a fool.

He watched Reid going over to try and help Emily while asking JJ for nail polish remover, his eyes traced over to Morgan who tried to hide the guilt in his expression.

"You had a hand in this" Dave commented without asking,

The brunette's eyes locked onto Morgan's hurt and anger in her eyes staring at her friend.

"Garcia's going to kill you..." JJ warned in a singsong voice.

"God, you both suck" Emily said, wincing "My hand is starting to cramp up."

The Unit Chief's eyes locked on to JJ's, the guilt hit him full force.

Garcia rushed through the bullpen "Gumdrop, I checked the main frame and your files..."

The blonde analyst eyed the situation, frowning as she looked at her friend's expression then Emily's hand. Looking over at Morgan who buried his head in paperwork while Hotch held remorse in his eyes.

"Gumdrop?" Garcia asked "What happened to your hand?"

"Idiot over there's retaliation prank included putting super glue on my phone" Emily said shooting Hotch a look.

Garcia's eyes widened and looked over at her boss "Super glue?"

"Seemed like an idea at the time" Hotch muttered "Thanks a lot, Morgan."

Morgan's head shot up and Garcia shot him a glare that rivaled Hotch's.

"Baby Girl..." Morgan said pleading "It was a joke..."

Garcia dragged Morgan down the hallway muttering "You owe me a big favor..."

"There we go" Reid said helping Emily open her hand "How does it feel?"

"Hurts" Emily told him, watching Reid open her drawer for the first aid kit "Damn it. The skin's all red and peely."

"Come on, we need to get this washed out with soap and water" Reid said taking her by the elbow leading her towards the bathroom.

Hotch watched in regret as Emily left with Reid to get treated.

"Real mature, Hotch" JJ said following her friends to the ladies room.

"You're like a twelve year old with a crush" Dave said walking up the catwalk "Would've been safer to pull her hair and steal her lunch money."

Hotch walked up to his office thinking to himself _'Idiot.'_

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><p>Emily held her ace bandage wrapped hand close to her chest, as she walked down the hallway to head towards Garcia's office.<p>

_'What could be so important now?'_ Emily thought to herself sighing.

Hotch walked down the hallway as he was asked, or more like ordered by the blonde analyst to make an appearance in her office.

Knowing it would be unwise not to follow orders, because he didn't even know what Garcia did to Morgan and he refuses to look Hotch in the eye.

Knocking on the office door, Hotch was surprised to see Emily answer the door.

"What are you doing here?" Emily asked backing up to see Hotch approach her.

"Garcia..." Hotch said "She ordered me down here... Where is she?"

Emily wasn't given time to respond when they heard the door to Garcia's office slam shut and the two looked from each other to the door in surprise.

"What the..." Emily said going for the door, now realizing it's locked from the outside she used her uninjured hand to bang on it "Open this damn door."

"Not until you two make up" Garcia told the two through the door "Now kiss and make up."

"What?" Hotch asked shocked "Open up or you're fired."

"You'd never fire me" Garcia replied back cheeky "Even if I became an unsub you'd still keep me around."

"We'll see who becomes an unsub" Emily muttered glaring at the door than Hotch.

"I can't hear you..." Garcia sang out, walking away from the door "Now make up."

Emily walked over to the computer chair, fiddling with the computer only to see they were password protected.

"Crap" Emily grumbled, "Can't get online to email for help."

Hotch sat in the computer chair next to her, "Sorry about gluing your phone... hand."

"Yeah whatever" Emily muttered, keeping her focuse on the decorative wall.

"Hey, I am sorry" Hotch told her, turning her attention on him "We're still friends right?"

"Sure" Emily said swiveling around to face the computers "All's forgiven."

"I don't even know how this prank war started anyways..." Hotch said "Morgan and Garcia... Us..."

Emily's head snapped in his direction "What?"

"What?" Hotch repeated in confusion "Morgan and Garcia, us?"

"Those sons of a..." Emily said "They did all this."

She watched his face etch in confusion she continued "Prank wars escalating. It was Morgan's idea to super glue my phone?"

Hotch nodded, "And Garcia's to put Vaseline on my steering wheel, flip my desk drawer down?"

Emily sighed, "Now here we are being told to kiss and make up..."

Hotch looked up at the ceiling "You don't think they intended for you to get hurt do you?"

"They're crazy and playful but not mean spirited or vicious" Emily said resting her chin on the palm of her hand.

"So..." Hotch said "Kiss and make up? Do you want to?"

"Make up?" Emily asked "Sure. You're forgiven but my hand will require vanilla shakes for a week."

Hotch raised an eyebrow but conceded "All right."

Emily looked over at the door, "So when do you think we'll actually be freed..."

He kept his eyes trained on her, watching the way her lips pouted, as she rubbed her injured hand. He couldn't deny that she was beautiful or how adorable as she blew the hair out of her face.

* * *

><p>Hotch leaned in, kissing Emily on the lips, feeling her respond to it.<p>

Pulling back she said "What was that for?"

"Well we made up and I thought we should do the kiss part too." Hotch said "Besides it's not like anyone would know... I wanted to do it."

Emily raised an eyebrow and said "Ah what the hell..."

Hotch pulled her out of the seat, lifting her on his lap, pulling in for a deep kiss.

Both panting, deepening the kiss only stopping when the sound of keys clicking the locked door.

Emily got off of Hotch's lap and returned to her own chair both trying to catch their breath.

"Did you two kiss and make up?" Garcia asked, Morgan being visible behind her.

"Sure did" Emily said feeling the urge to hold back the smirk.

Garcia looked from Hotch to Emily and nodded her head "You're free to go."

Hotch and Emily walked out of the office, both keeping the features neutral.

"Want to come over to my place?" Hotch asked once they were out of the line of sight of their friends.

"No" Emily said looking at him seeing his face fall, she smirked "My place is closer."

Hotch grabbed Emily and pulled her into a quick kiss.

"Come on." Emily said "We need to get out of here now, before I do something naughty to you here and we end up in a Sexual Harassment seminar."

Hotch looked over at her and flashed a dimple "Then at least we'd see Morgan and Garcia there."

Both laughed heading off to get there belongings to leave.

Walking in the elevator, Hotch asked "Anymore pranks up your sleeves?"

"Maybe" Emily teasingly replied, "But they'll be ones you actually might enjoy."

Hotch chuckled, pulling on the brunette's arm bringing her closer to him with a smirk on his face.

"I hope they don't include bodily injury" he told her, watching her face smirk in a mischievous grin.

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><p>Marilyn Monroe said, "I don't mind making jokes, but I don't want to look like one."<p>

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><p><strong>To Be Continued...<strong>

See the 'review' button at the bottom? Give him a love tap.

Hope you all like the Retaliate series... the next one should be coming soon.


	4. The Boys vs The Girls

**Retaliate **

Disclaimer: So you all know CBS owns Criminal Minds, not me.

Summary: After an incident involving Morgan with Garcia's computer, it becomes a battle of the men vs women of the BAU, and that can't be good. And Hotch isn't liking this at all...

A/N: So yep, this one's different then the other chapters but it's still enjoy it.

But leaving a review is always a good thing... and if you do I'll give you a virtual cookie ;)

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><p>"The right to do something does not mean that doing it is right." William Safire<p>

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><p>Hotch groaned, looking into the bullpen he watched as Morgan turned with smirk at Reid when he heard JJ shrieked as she stormed out of her office, grabbing at her soaking wet purse and glaring at Morgan.<p>

"Something wrong, Jayje?" Morgan smirked while Reid looked down intent on focusing on his paper work.

"When I get back you are so done" JJ threatened the athletic profiler.

"Aw, blondie as much as I enjoy being threatened by you, that" Morgan indicated, pointing to the wet purse "Was not my doing."

JJ raised an eyebrow, watching Morgan's impassive face before looking over at Reid who's lips were being bitten raw.

"SPENCE!" JJ shouted.

Dave stood by the window of his office window with a small grin growing on his face as he saw Emily storm through the bullpen with a glare that rivaled Hotch's.

"Uh oh" Dave whispered, hurrying away from his window.

"You are so dead, Rossi" Emily barked from the bullpen, while Dave muttered to himself.

"What happened, Em?" JJ asked pulling her dripping purse from her body.

"What the hell happened to your purse?" Emily asked looking at the wet purse.

"All I know is" JJ said glaring at the two male profilers "That when I went into this" JJ held up the wet bag "I felt something tip over and found an empty water bottle and now everything is destroyed."

Emily's eyes went straight to Morgan who shook his head, saying, "Not me."

JJ and Emily exchanged a look, "Rossi."

"He did that, and this" Emily said holding up her go bag "He cut holes in my change of clothes."

"What?" JJ asked shocked.

Morgan snickered while Reid buried his face into the paper work to cover his pink cheeks.

"Look" Emily said pulling out her top and seeing holes cut through the breast.

"Ew" JJ said "What a pig."

"How could you Derek Morgan?" Garcia exclaimed "Wasn't ruining my computer enough?"

"What?" Morgan said smirking at the blonde analyst.

"What happened?" Emily asked seeing her hold her treasured dolls.

"He cut their hair" Garcia said thrusting her treasured trolls at the two women "He cut off all of their hair."

JJ's jaw dropped while Emily turned towards her partner.

Hotch looked back down and saw the three women on his team hold simultaneous murderous glares.

Sighing he knew this was going way too far, he got up and buttoned up his suit jacket as he made his way to the door.

"Morgan, Reid follow me" Hotch said as he headed towards Dave's office opening the door, "Rossi? Conference room, now."

Hotch marched into the conference room and as soon as the other three men walked in, he shut the door behind him.

Emily looked over at the two women, and smirked, "You know what this means?"

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><p>"Remember" Hotch said as he opened the door allowing the men out "Apologize, especially you Morgan."<p>

"But Hotch..." Morgan protested but stop seeing the look the three men were giving him "Fine."

Hotch went back to his office, and sat down watching the bullpen as the men went down to the three women converged at Emily's desk.

Reid went to his desk, looked at JJ and said, "I'm sorry JJ."

The blonde turned her attention to the young profiler as he continued, "It was wrong for me to loosen the cap on the water bottle in your purse."

"Thank you, Spence" JJ said as the three watched Reid sip from his coffee mug.

Morgan was surprised when Reid gasped and spit out his coffee "Ugh!"

"Man, what the hell?" Morgan asked wiping the small spit from his arm.

"This taste like mud" Reid exclaimed, turning his attention towards the smirking blonde "JJ?"

JJ just shrugged her shoulders, while Morgan and Dave teased the younger man.

As Morgan was about to tease Reid some more as sat down, Morgan howled in pain as he fell onto the floor due to his chair falling apart.

"What the hell?" Morgan asked groaning in pain, while Dave just shook his head in amusement "Garcia?"

"Don't look at me, macho man" Garcia said closing Emily's drawer that held the bolts to the chair "My hands are clean."

Garcia turned to the two women with a wink as she headed down to her own office.

"Looks like they got you both good" Dave told the younger men with a knowing smirk as he descended towards his own office in glee.

"Wise ass" Morgan said trying to fix his chair "Where the hell are the bolts?"

JJ and Emily smirked while Hotch shook his head in amusement as Morgan rolled the ruined chair towards storage to get a replacement chair.

Emily and JJ's eyes turned towards Dave's office when they heard his shouts of "What in God's name?"

Hotch got up and headed towards his friend's office, too tempted not to see what the commotion was.

As Hotch stood in the doorway he just burst out laughing as he walked down to the bullpen, unable to control his laughter passing the two women with satisfied smirks on their faces.

JJ and Emily bumped their fists together as JJ headed off towards her own office, while Emily followed Hotch into the break room.

"You were the brilliant mastermind behind that spectacle in Dave's office?" Hotch asked.

"I only have one thing to ask you" Emily said turning to Hotch "Am I good or am I good?"

Hotch shook his head as he placed a light kiss on her forehead, "You are a mastermind. Let's hope you never decide to become an unsub because you would be unstoppable."

"Damn skippy." Emily said and turned when Hotch spoke again.

"Where did you find all those erectile dysfunction pills?" Hotch asked.

Emily just winked and shrugged as she looked over at Dave's office, hearing light cursing coming from his office.

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><p>Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "Character is higher than intellect."<p>

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><p><strong>To Be Continued... <strong>

See this review button? He said he wants you to touch him... I know what a pervert, but go on a leave a review...

There will be at least one more chapter in this series.


	5. Us vs Him or Them

**Retaliate**

Disclaimer: CBS owns Criminal Minds, you know that.

Summary: How does one get an uptight person to relax?

A/N: This is the last piece in my reworked of the **Retaliate** series. Total humor fic, not to be taken seriously.

Thanks for reading, don't forget to leave a review.

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><p>Henry Ward Beecher said, "A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble on the road."<p>

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><p>"You do know that there's a method to flipping burgers" Dave told his friends, "It's all about the finesse and the right touch. See?"<p>

The three men looked down at the grill, watching the older man gracefully flip the burger with ease.

"There doesn't look much to it" Morgan commented.

"Statistically one in every three people wind up with salmonella" Reid started, "And that's not even counting the beef coming from California."

"Oh please, don't start" Morgan told him, watching Reid continue with his tangent conversation.

"And did you hear about the break out of Mad Cows Disease?" Reid continued watching the three women nearby turn green.

"How about we table this conversation for after dinner?" Hotch asked rolling his eyes.

"Wow" Emily murmured, "Look at that, his face never changes."

"I've noticed that" Garcia said, moving away from the conversation, "I mean I can get never cracking a smile because he always needs to be on guard for the job but in your downtime?"

The blonde analyst whistled shaking her head, before sighing.

"I know that with what happened with Haley and Foyet that he holds everything in, but what about having a social life?"

"He does have a social life" Emily commented, "What about that relationship with the..."

"She dumped him" Garcia said quickly, "Lets not even go down that path."

"What happened?" Emily asked furrowing her eyebrows. If something had happened, she'd have heard about it, right?

"I overheard the bossman tell Dave that she couldn't handle the unpredictable hours, the mood swings and apparently she came across one of the case files he brought home" Garcia told the two women, "The Davis case."

"Oh" both female agents said wincing at that thought.

"And" Garcia whispered, "I overheard Hotch tell Dave that one of the last things she told him before dumping him was that he needed to learn how to relax."

"Huh" Emily frowned, "Well how are any of us suppose to relax with what we see on a daily basis? Get amnesia?"

"Well no my dear but I do think that he needs a good old 90210 trip" Garcia offered.

"What?" Emily asked with a raised eyebrow, "You want to drag him across the map to California?"

"No" Garcia scoffed, "Don't you ever watch television?"

The analyst looked over at the blonde agent who looked equally puzzled, "God what were you two doing in the 90s?"

"Obviously not watching tv" Emily sarcastically replied, "Ok tell us then what is this trip thing?"

"Ok, back in the hey days of Aaron Spelling and that original television classic, a psycho chick named Emily Valentine" Garcia smirked at the brunette "Well she wanted her boyfriend to loosen up so she drugged his drink with U4EA."

"What's euphoria?" Emily asked, "Wait do you mean like drugs?"

"Bingo" Garcia grinned, "We just slip a little in his drink and get the bossman to unwind."

The two women watched the blonde pull a tiny silver pill box out of her purse and dumped it in the pitcher of beer.

"So what do you think?" Garcia asked stirring the pitcher, "I mean I know it's totally wrong and all kinds of illegal but come on, don't we all need to unwind after the past year that we've had?"

"No" Emily and JJ said in unison.

"But... it's just a little dose, it's harmless" Garcia protested.

Emily raised her eyebrow, looking from the blonde to the beer, "I'm going to dump this out."

"Em, you know I would never knowingly put anyone in danger" Garcia protested, "I just want him to relax."

The brunette narrowed her eyes, "And how would you explain that to him when he wakes up tomorrow with a hangover from hell?"

"Well..." Garcia started, then sighed, "I hadn't really gotten to that part yet."

"Garcia" JJ admonished, "You can't do this kind of stuff to people, it's just wrong."

The blonde leaned back in her chair, "What you mean morally?"

"No, well yeah" JJ said, then shook her head in frustration, "But once you break a rule it's easy to break the bigger ones after that."

Garcia sighed, folding her hands across her chest, "Fine, give me the pitcher I'll go pour another batch."

"There's the PG I know and love" Emily told her giving her a reassuring smile.

"Learn to love me less" Garcia told her taking the tainted beer with her as she walked into the back door.

JJ looked over at Emily shaking her head, "One of these days she's going to wind up in jail."

"Yeah, I have no doubt about that" Emily said, picking up her beer and looked at it, "Great now I'm doubting myself."

JJ snorted, "You really think she'd douse our drinks?"

Emily raised an eyebrow at her, "Wouldn't she?"

JJ slammed her own drink down, "Damn it."

The two female agents looked up to see Hotch walking towards the back door. He looked deep in thought but gave the women a nod.

"You ok?" JJ asked, pouring the suspected tainted mugs in the bushes.

"Yeah" Hotch replied, frowning at the odd behavior, "Something wrong with those drinks?"

The two women looked at each other but decided it'd be better not to alert him of Garcia's now thwarted plan.

"We're good" Emily replied, "why don't you bring out some more drinks? Maybe some tequila or something."

"I've got margarita mixes all we need is a bartender" Dave said, "Just keep the alcohol away from the open grill, I don't want to make any pit stops to the ER."

Hotch walked into the kitchen making his way towards the refrigerator when he paused. He could hear loud talking.

But there was no sign of the blonde analyst, his attention was drawn when he heard Garcia on the phone having a heated conversation.

"I told you I had to" Garcia said, turning her back on Hotch who opened the refrigerator door, "I know that I said that..."

Hotch tried not to listen to his colleagues words and he pulled out the tequila and lime then he flinched when he heard the peppy blonde snap.

Setting the items on the counter, he turned to the fridge again to pulling out the beer pitcher bringing it to the counter when he set it down to see Garcia look at him.

He was unnerved by the conversation but he quickly picked up the pitcher and other needed items, making his way towards the door.

"I told you why" Garcia hissed, "Look it's not like I do this sort of thing all the time. You still love my tookus, right?"

Hotch instantly wished he were anywhere else, remembering why he was there, he hurried outside.

"There you are" Dave said taking the cheese slices, "Thought I was going to have to send out a search party or something."

"All right who'll play bartender?" Garcia asked coming back out with a smile on her face.

"You all right?" Hotch asked.

The blonde frowned at that but nodded, "Kevin's an idiot but he's a good guy."

"I've got the drinks, all right who wants what?" Morgan said taking the margarita mix from the older man, "Baby girl?"

"Una margarita, por favor" the blonde said, looking at the two women, "You?"

"What the hell?" JJ said, "You only live once, same."

"Rossi, Reid?" Morgan asked, taking the order.

Only Emily and Hotch refused the overly alcoholic beverage, both settling for the standard beer.

Neither wanting to admit that despite having the team outings all the time they were more comfortable with a beer then overly indulging themselves in the alcoholic fueled states that they're friends find themselves in.

* * *

><p>The sound of an alarm going off made the hand pound down on the alarm clock next to the bed.<p>

"Oh dear God" the voice said, placing a hand on their head to curb the pounding going on.

Looking over to the left, he saw her snuggled under the covers making him frown. What the hell was he doing in her bed?

Well technically it was her bed even though this was Dave's beach house, but he was soon pulled out of his reverie when he heard the alarm go off again. And this time it was her turn to roll over to reach for the alarm only to fall off the bed.

"What the..." she muttered, sitting up disoriented, "Hotch?"

"Care to tell me what I'm doing in your bed, Emily?" he asked.

Emily lifted her hair from her face raising an eyebrow, "I don't know, you tell me."

Hotch felt his head pounding, and he could feel the bed next indent as Emily stood up walking towards the spare bathroom.

"Where are you going?" he asked, relieved when he looked up to see she was still fully clothed as was he.

"Out for a jog" Emily sarcastically replied, wincing when she saw her reflection, "Where does it look like I'm going? Tell me Rossi's has aspirins in here, right?"

"If he knows what's good for him, he better" Hotch muttered, rubbing his head.

"God I look like I've been partying non stop with Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan" the brunette muttered.

Looking around he winced when he heard the brunette banging around in the bathroom and let out a small cried pain.

"Are you all right?" Hotch asked squinting his eyes when the drapes slightly swayed from the light.

"Oh sure" Emily sarcastically replied, "I really didn't need my big toe."

Hotch rolled his eyes, and slowly stood up walking towards the blinds, "Did you find the damn aspirins or not?"

"Oh yeah there's a plethora of them here" Emily said, "Pick your brand."

"Anything that gets you to move your butt over here so I can find out who the hell slip me a mickey" Hotch told her.

The brunette came out of the bathroom with the aspirins and water, "What?"

"Well it's only obvious, Emily" Hotch said, taking the aspirins and water, "I mean unless you do this sort of thing all the time..."

"Finish that sentence and you'll be tasting asphalt, Hotch" Emily said, swallowing her own aspirin, "Since when did you get so mouthy? You're usually so... sedate and stoic."

The brunette watched her supervisor walk over and opened the blinds wider before looking over at her.

"Well waking up in bed with my subordinate does that to a person" Hotch deadpanned, watching her face glower at that, "What?"

"You think this was how I planned to start my day?" Emily asked, rubbing her forehead, "Waking up next to my boss after falling face first onto the floor is hardly my idea of a great day."

"Ok so it couldn't have been the food because, lets face it this is Dave we're talking about" Hotch groaned, "Well what else was there?"

"The dessert?" Emily asked, "Who brought the dessert?"

"Reid" Hotch said, "No he picked the brownies up from the bakery. Lets see."

Both agents looked at each other, both coming to the same conclusion, "The alcohol."

"Ok, what did you have?" Hotch asked Emily.

"Just the beer" Emily told him, "My ulcer wasn't up for the lime. You?"

"Only beer and a soda" Hotch told her, "You think the others are having the same residual effects? Because I remember Morgan playing bartender while Garcia was..."

Emily's mind flashed back to the previous days conversation and she gasped.

"What is it?" Hotch asked looking at the brunette who looked on the verge of mass murder, "Emily?"

"Garcia" Emily said, "Yesterday we were making this stupid remark about getting you to lighten up and well..."

"Well what?" Hotch asked furrowing his eyebrows, "What did she do?"

Emily nervously ran her hand over the back of her head, "Now this is going to seem really stupid but I think you should let me finish it before you freak out."

"Freak out?" Hotch joked, "Jesus what she do drug me?"

He could tell from the non-plussed look on her face that, that was just what the blonde analyst did.

"Are you kidding me?" Hotch asked, "What did she do?"

"The beer" Emily told him, "After she dropped it in the beer, JJ and I..."

"JJ knew about this too?" Hotch asked, jumping off the bed pacing around the room, "Did everyone know about this? So what did you all decide to get together and just for kicks drug me?"

"No" Emily yelled, "After she did that, JJ and I read her the riot act and told her to dump it. She left and that's when you made your way to the kitchen. How the heck was I suppose to know she'd get distracted from a phone call and you'd bring back the tainted beer?"

Hotch stopped his movement, looking around the room. He knew what they had to do. Fight fire with fire.

"So what are you going to do?" Emily asked, "Do we go into her room and scream at her, that's not going to do much."

"No" Hotch said frowning, "We give her a taste of her own medicine."

Emily raised an eyebrow at that, "What are you talking about?"

Hotch smirked grabbing her hand, "How good are you at cooking?"

"Not so good" Emily told him, "You remember the last time we were here for the cook out?"

"Yeah" he said slowly, then grin, "And you burned your pasta before it even hit the pan."

"Funny" Emily narrowed her eyes giving him a smack on the chest, "So what do you want me to cook?"

"A very special Garcia breakfast" Hotch told her, "You leave the rest of the cooking to me."

"Mm something sure smells good" JJ said linking arms with her blonde friend, "Wait, who cooked?"

"Don't worry" Emily said with a smile, "Hotch did everything, I just played helper."

"Oh don't sell yourself short, Emily" Hotch said earning a wary eye of the two blondes who saw the warming friendship between the brunette pair, "She set the table and helped make this special blend of syrup for these chocolate chip pancakes."

"Chocolate chip pancakes?" Garcia asked, "Those are my favorite."

"I know" Emily said with a smile, "Here everyone sit down."

The three men looked puzzled, while Hotch gave them a look, "Sit down!"

The team sat at the table while the dark haired pair served their friends.

"Aren't you two going to eat anything?" JJ asked looking up from her pancakes.

The two shared a look but shook their heads.

"Emily and I are going for a run along the beach" Hotch informed the small group, "Well, everyone enjoy your breakfast."

"Don't worry, we'll take care of the mess" Morgan told the two, relieved that they were getting along.

As the two walked passed the table they exchanged a look but smiled at the happy technical analyst.

"Mm I just love chocolate chips" Garcia said, pausing, "Wow, this syrup is weird."

"It does taste a little different" Reid said, "I think they warmed it up."

The two agents stood in the hallway of the front, giving a small high five.

"Teach her to drug me" Hotch murmured following the brunette outside who laughed, "So what was it you put in that syrup anyways."

"Believe me, you don't want to know" Emily told him, "Lets just say they're going to have fun racing each other to the bathroom."

The two knew that there was only one rule of law in the universe, never mess with a Federal Agent.

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><p>"Never by any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." Dave Berry<p>

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><p><strong>THE END<strong>

I hope you all liked this series of oneshots, don't forget to leave a review.


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